A Paragraph, If I May Say..

CA 2

..and talking about him beyond his knowledge just makes me more like a sinner and a desperate lover. At first I thought my word vomit will bring ease to my heart, and now.. well, I hope it does.

She and I

DSCN3480She was breathlessly amazing.

When we were toddlers, we used to play under a gigantic tree near the lake. Hide and seek was our favorite game. I closed my eyes and faced the tree while she hide behind the bushes. It was so easy to spot her long hair. I always won since her tiny foot weren’t able to run before me.

When we were tired enough, we lay under the tree. She liked to point the canopy and mumbled, “When we’re taller, promise me you will keep me company while climbing those branches. We can sit there as we watch the sun drops.”

I nodded at her and we made a pinky-promise.

Years past and we have grown older and taller. We went different ways yet we were still friends; She was in New York, I was in Chicago, and that tree was still in Minnesota. The promise we made is impossible to be fulfilled.

One day, when I was on a one-month-duty in Kenya, I received her wedding invitation. She was going to held the ceremony under our tree. Despite the distance I had to cover, I came to her wedding.

I saw her. She was as beautiful as always. She was breathtaking.

I stared at the canopy we used to stare at and I couldn’t believe that it was the time she got married under that tree. She was married to another guy and she hadn’t climbed our tree with me.

At that moment, I thought, if she could no longer climb the tree with me, I could go by my self. I climbed that tree and sat as I watched the sun dropped. It was so beautiful. The sky’s color turned as gorgeous as her hair.

When the sun finally dropped, I dropped my self down.

Enam Belas

47

Enam belas,
Jadilah tahun yang baik.
Tahun penuh cinta dan bahagia.
Tahun ketika harapan tak sekedar angan belaka.
Jadilah tahun yang mendewasakan dan hilangnya keraguan.

Kepada para terkasih,
Terima kasih untuk kembali mengingat
Apa yang dalam hidup ini hanya sekedar terlibat.

Dengan haru berbalut rindu, 29 Januari 2015
Aku yang senantiasa berusaha membahagiakanmu.

2015: Another Chance

Ciao!
Tonight is new year’s eve in the country I live in and fireworks are already on to greet the so-called new year. In the last minutes of 2014, I’d like to note lessons I’ve learnt and deeds I’ve done this year. I guess having a little recall about the year we’ve just passed and muse about it on new year’s eve is a good thing to do. We always need to evaluate ourselves and new year just seems to be another perfect moment for change.

Before I write my 2015 resolution, here’s a look to my 2014 resolution:

Cut Alima’s 2014 Resolutions:
1. Try harder to be close to God.
2. Study hard, focus on my future, and put my spiritual and mental needs in my top priority.
3. Be selfless, kind, brave, honest, and smart. Also, be more alive and young.
4. Face my life whatever it takes and always be grateful.
5. Live happily!
6. Be smart like my junior high school senior,X (oh God, I believe he will be an important people in Indonesia later, maybe he will be a president).

This 2014, I gladly say that I’m progressing on my 2014 resolution. I feel younger and more alive than I was back in 2013. I enrolled to my dream school and -thank’s God!- got accepted. I met new friends and experienced many rare things which are precious. Well.. I did manage to live happier. Praise to God for all of that :’)

And what have I learnt from 2014?
1. Never rush things. Live every moment, every minute, every second you live. You can never go back to change things, so, live every moment so you won’t have to regret anything.
2. Never be ‘the best person according to people’s opinion’, but be the best version of you. It’s your life and no one ever have the right to tell you who you are. However, be opened for people’s opinion, they might help you to change into a better person.
3. Have a leap of faith on everything you’re afraid of. Try things, you might succeed.
4. Never think that tomorrow will come. Do everything as soon as possible or you might loose the chance.
5. Sometimes when we failed getting what we want after giving our best effort on it, we just have to pause. Maybe it’s not our turn.. maybe our turn is tomorrow or next year. We should be patiently waiting, move closer to God, keep thinking positively.
6. Karma does exist.

Now that I’ve learnt a lot of things in 2014, I just hope that I won’t forget it and carry them with me when 2015 come.

To be honest, I have also done bad things back in 2014. I regret things I’ve done and things I haven’t done and I guess there’s no way to come back and change it. So, I’m just thinking.. I think I should give my self another chance on the upcoming year. Another chance to be better, another chance to be happier. And I think you should, too.

To greet 2015, I decided to edit my 2014 year resolution and turn it to be my 2015 resolution. I wasn’t able to check every point on the list and so did on my 2013 resolution. Now I start thinking that we can never feel enough, moreover when it comes to uncountable things such as happiness or intelligence. So, checking points on new year resolution doesn’t really matter anymore; progressing is what matters.

And so, I hereby present you my 2015 resolution:

Cut Alima’s 2015 Resolutions:
1. Be closer to God and obey God’s rules the best I can. 
2. Study hard and focus on my future.
3. Put my spiritual and mental needs in my top priority.

4. Be selfless, kind, brave, honest, and smart. Not to forget, be more aliveyoung, and ladylike. Be a better person!
5. Face my life bravely, always be grateful, and always live happily!
6. Be a full-of-knowledge person.

So, now, let’s step back and have a toast for ourselves, for good deeds we’ve done. I guess all of us deserves a hug. Nevertheless, let’s say goodbye to those nasty deeds we’ve done, to those heartbreaks. Say goodbye to all traumas and to those fake smiles. Tomorrow we’ll be in 2015 and though it’s just another day another year, let’s vow to be a better person on the days ahead. Let’s give another chance to ourselves and other people.

So, HAPPY NEW YEAR!
May God be with us. *cheers

Arrivederci, Readers ;)
May our upcoming days full of happiness. Again, happy new year :)
-CA

I am still learning. -Michelangelo

A Stupid Thing Called Jealousy

381

Jealousy is a funny yet stupid thing. Believe it or not, that time was the first time I had ever felt jealous in my whole life. To be true, I’m not proud and I’m ashamed of it.

My Saturday nights is always my quality time with Aislinn. Every Saturday nights, we put aside our works and have a couple time inside the apartment. We usually cuddle on the couch while watching How I Met Your Mother, the sitcom that brought us together.

But for whatever reason, that saturday night was different. I arrived at the apartment from my workplace around 5 pm. Usually, when I arrived from my workplace, I smell the scent of an overcooked popcorn Aislinn made and hear Aislinn’s high-pitched shriek welcoming me. But that evening was so different. I came to an empty apartment. There were no overcooked popcorn nor Aislinn’s voice.

At first, I thought Aislinn was stuck in the traffic. I took a long hot shower to relax my tense body for sitting in front of the computer the whole day. After I felt like I was boiled, I got out, put a sweatshirt and a baggy short, and then tidy the apartment. I also cooked popcorn for our How I Met Your Mother marathon that night. Just as I poured the apple virgin mojito to a pitcher, my phone rang. I immediately picked my phone up. It’s Aislinn!

“Hey, honey. Where are you?” I asked.

“I’m in the cafe right now.”

“Are you buying truffles for us?” When we run out of popcorn, we eat a box of assorted truffles and eat them like playing Russian Roulette.

“Well, I was, Peter. But guess who I bumped into?” Aislinn’s voice sounded full of made-up neutrality with a hint of love and disgust.

A few names flashed on my head as I tried to connect the dots between Aislinn’s tone and the name the person she bumped into. “Drawing blank.”

Shortly, she said “Tanner Creek.”

Tanner Creek, Aislinn’s former boyfriend who was still trying to get her attention. Tanner, the one who nearly ruined our wedding. I tensed and I felt I’m about to choke.

“Peter, are you still there? Or did you passed out?”

I gulped, cleared my throat, and went, “I’m here. Why?”

“Umm, would you do me a favor? Postpone our HIMYM marathon for 30 minutes, 45 mins tops. Tanner said he have something to talk to me.”

Postpone our quality time for someone who nearly ruined my wedding day? For God’s sake!

“Well.. the popcorn will be cold and the virgin mojitos will be warm.”

“I know, babe, but please? I know you and I hate him for what he have done but I think he deserves a chance.”

I felt something cold in me and I guess that’s climbing up to my tongue. “Well, he never asked one.”

“He did, he just did. Please? I’ll be straight home after that and it’s not like we’re going somewhere private. We’re hanging here. Pleaseee?” she begged. And yeah, she held that ‘please’ for ten seconds. I don’t know why she always do that -holding the vocals in a word long enough- when she’s begging. While men have that three day rule to call a woman, do women have a ten seconds rule to bribe a man? If yes, I’ve never heard of it.

I was considering it for a while. My brain told me that it’s okay to let my wife clean the mess she made with her former boyfriend but my heart told me to be selfish and make her go straight home so that there will be no possibilities for Tanner to steal my wife.

“Well, yeah okay sure, at least you asked so I won’t caught you there then scowl at you this whole night. But 45 minutes tops, okay? See you, Aislinn.”

“Okay, thanks. See you, over-protective and jealous husband.”

And then she hung up the phone. Just like that.

“What was that supposed to mean?!” I shouted to the void. Nothing answered my disappointment except the buzz of the coffee brewer. And acknowledging that I was alone there when I supposed to be with her made me more disappointed. So, I flounced my self to the sofa, grab the remote, turned on the TV, and watched an action movie.

Have you ever heard Einstein’s theory of relativity? My professor in college once told me about that in the simplest way. He told me a story about two different people and a train. The first person was on the station, waiting the second person who was in his way in a train. On the other side, the second person was on the train rushing to the station where the first person was waiting. My professor asked us whether the time they both spent to reach each other were the same or not. We answered yes but then he said that it depends.

“You all see it in a way that copes all of it. Yes, it is true that they spent the same time. But have all of you ever heard the quarrel of two people insisting their belief? ‘I have waited for you for 30 minutes!’ replied with ‘No, you don’t, I was on my way for 20 minutes!’ while the fact is they both have spent the exact 25 minutes to met each other. I present you the theory of relativity,” he said proudly. “Well, it actually depends on the point of view. The person who was waiting tend to feel that the time that has passed is longer than the person who was rushing.”

And that was what I really feel when I was waiting for Aislinn to come home. I was lying on the couch like a big old sheriff on his day off. I wrapped my self with a blanket and had my eyes glued on the screen. I also started snacking the popcorn and crumbs were all over the blanket. I sipped my apple virgin mojito little by little till I realized that I had drank the half. Waiting Aislinn to come felt like ages and then all I know was that I was awaken by the sunlight.

“G’morning, honey,” called out a sleepy voice I reckoned as Aislinn’s. Yeah, I mean who else would be there?

“Aislinn? Where are you?” I looked around. The TV was no longer on, the table was already cleaned.

“Umm, look below here.”

I rolled my self to see the floor and saw Aislinn was lying there, bared to the air only with her shirt and knee-long shorts. “Oh my God, what are you doing? Why don’t you sleep on the bed? I could have stepped on you!”

“I’m sorry, last night I thought you’d be awaken and watch HIMYM with me. So, I decided to lay here in case you want find me easily.”

“Well at least you can bring some blankets to prevent cold, Aislinn.”

There was a short awkward silence between us then. She was just lying there staring at me with her warm hazel eyes and I was staring at her back from the sofa.

Out of nowhere, she accused me, “You’re disappointed at me last night, aren’t you?”

“How could you say that?”

“I know. I just know.”

“Ha, such a good excuse, Aislinn. You’ll be a good lawyer,” I said more sarcastic that I should have.

Hearing my answer, she instantly sat straight. Her eyes were on mine and it was no longer warm. It was cold and fierce. Uh oh.

“I have been your wife for 3 years, Peter, of course I know! Wanna know why I know? Your voice tone. Your choice of words. Last night, you suddenly changed into a sarcastic jealous husband!” she scolded at me.

“Oh, I’m a sarcastic jealous husband?! Yeah, tell me, what should I do when my dearest wife choose to spent her Saturday night with her ex-boyfriend who nearly ruined her wedding day over a quality time with her husband?”

Aislinn shocked in disbelief. “I have asked for your permission and you said it’s okay!” she said a few octaves higher.

“Yeah, 45 minutes tops! But what time did you take, two hours?”

“I only talked to him for 30 minutes, Peter, and I walked home for 5 minutes. Thirty-five minutes and I found you  asleep on the couch. Ask Tanner if you don’t believe me,” she lowered her tone and voice.

“Sorry,” I said, “Sit here.” I sat and make a room for two on the couch. Aislinn climbed up and sat next to me.

“What happened last night? Did I…?”

“I don’t know, Aislinn. Maybe I was disappointed because I came home to an empty apartment to find you spending 30 minutes of the night with someone who nearly ruined our wedding. Because from the deepest part of my soul, I hate him,” I said. “Well, anyway, tell me what happened last night so I won’t be mad anymore.”

She looked at me in the eye and then raised her body from the couch. She headed the kitchen and then showed with two recently brewed coffee and the truffle box. She put it in the table in front of the couch, gave me a cup, took a cup for her, and then sat again next to me. I always know this girl could never speak properly with an empty stomach.

“So?”

“So, I was at that cafe, buying that box,” she pointed the box,”Suddenly, a man who was behind me on the paying row tapped my shoulder and went ‘Hey, Aislinn, can we have a talk?’. When I turned around, I started to scream internally. I mean, what does he want? It was like he once made me madly in love then the next day he dumped me in such a humiliating way. He also tried to sabotage my wedding with someone I truly love, yeah that’s you. All I can say was ‘Don’t talk to me unless it’s 8 or higher,’, you know, quoting Lily and Marshall when baby Marvin was out.”

“You’re awesome. Go on,” I said. I mean, quoting a line from HIMYM to a person you hate? That’s awesome.

“And then he said that it was an eight so I phoned you to ask for your permission,” she pouted. “We sat and he had a coffee. He told me that he was finally over me. He met a girl a year ago, a nice one and he thought that she was the one. Well, they decided to get married. Apparently, his girl does have a crazy ex-boyfriend who apparently isn’t over her just like how he used to, karma huh? So, he asked for my -our, actually- forgiveness so that he won’t be jinxed on his own wedding. And I did forgive him. He said thanks and sorry again, then I headed home.”

“That’s all?”

“That’s all.”

“Whoa, thank’s God I thought he was trying to steal you again,” I sighed as my worries remained as delusion.

“Now you know what happened. Can you forgive me for postponing our HIMYM marathon?” she sulked. She leaned closer and widened her eyes, hoping I’d be tempted to easily forgive her like that. But as a matter of fact, I was easily tempted.

I was wrong for being mad but I wasn’t wrong for being jealous. If I’m not jealous then I no longer care to what happen to her. But I guess my first ever jealousy was unreasonable because I didn’t trust my own wife’s sayings and I’m ashamed of that.

“Now I know what happened. Can you forgive me for being mad at you last night?” I asked for her forgiveness.

She nodded. She took my coffee off my hand. “Okay, HIMYM marathon right now?”

“Yes please!”

She turned on the TV and picked the DVD. When the movie had been rolling, she leaned to me and said, “We have just had a fight because we postponed our HIMYM marathon.”

“I guess we love each other too much that we can’t stand the idea of not being together.”

Goodnight Mom!

43

Penny Mosby was only 5 years old when it happened.

“Dad, why should I go to the hospital again today? I have visited this place three times in 24 hours!” said Penny innocently when her dad, Ted, lead her through the hospital corridors that night.

“You haven’t said ‘goodnight’ to Mom, honey,” he answered.

With a big white teddy bear –a birthday gift from her mom- in her left arm, little Penny asked, “I’ve said millions of ‘goodnight’ to Mom this past weeks. I’ve kissed Mom’s forehead for several times this past weeks. Why doesn’t Mom come to my room and do all that stuff just like every day she used to?”

Ted stopped and kneeled next to her. “Penny, Mom has done that to you since you were born. Now it is your turn to love Mom just like how she loves you,” he answered.

Her dad’s answer convinced her to walk through the corridor. The fact is, Penny hates hospital corridors since they remind her of that scary day when her mom screamed furiously when giving birth to Luke, her brother.

Ted gave a knock to room 203. They heard a weak voice welcoming them as they got in the room.

“Hi, angels,” Tracy said.

“Hi, love,” said Ted. He gave Tracy a quick kiss on her forehead. “Penny is here.”

“Hi, Mom!” Penny shouted with excitement.

“Hi, darling!”

Penny climbed to the side of her mom’s bed and she sat there. With the last bits of energy she had, Tracy moved her left hand and caressed her little girl’s brunette hair.

“Do you have any story to tell me, Penny?” she asked.

“Of course, Mom!” Penny adjusted her sitting position so that she could face her mom. “Today I baked cookies with Aunt Lily. She came to our house, Mom! I’ve waited that moment for weeks since I want to know how to bake cookies. Would you teach me how to bake other things when you aren’t sick anymore, Mom?”

“Yes, of course, honey! We will bake rainbow cakes together, okay? We can make 4 pieces: one for you, one for me, one for daddy, and one for Luke. Deal?”

“Deal!”

Penny high fived her Mom’s weak hands just like how they used to.

Suddenly, the machine which was connected to Tracy beeped.

“What is that, Mom?” asked Penny cautiously.

“Oh, it’s nothing to worry, honey,” answered her. Trying to distract her daughter’s attention, she said, “Other than that, what happened today, Penny? How was your school?”

“School is amazing, Mom! I had literature class today and Miss Robin read us the story of Little Red Riding Hood. I like that story. I don’t know why but I felt I had known the story before Miss Robin read that to us.”

“I have read that story to you once, honey. Don’t you remember?”

Little Penny frowned for a while. She tried to remember that memory seriously till wrinkles showed up on her forehead. Seeing the weird-cute face of their daughter, Ted and Tracy laughed.

Suddenly, Penny shouted, “Oh, yeah, I remember now!”

“Good. Can you name the stories both Mom and Dad have read to you?” asked Ted.

Penny named the stories both Ted and Tracy have read to her. She also mentioned the authors of the stories.

“Mom, would you like to play your ukulele for me? I’ve never heard you play ‘La Vie En Rose’ for weeks,” asked Penny suddenly. Tracy had always played that song when she tucked Penny and Luke to bed. That time, due to her sickness, she had never done that anymore.

“Honey, I’d love to. But I’ve lost all of my energy. Wish me the best, okay, honey? Once I recovered, I’ll play my ukulele for you as long as you want.”

Penny gladly nodded.

The machine beeped once more. That time it beeped longer than before.

“Penny, do you allow Mom to sleep like Sleeping Beauty? Mom is so tired, honey,” asked Tracy.

“Of course, Mom! You can sleep with thousands of flowers around you. When you’re not tired anymore, I’ll wake you up and we can play together again!” said Penny innocently. She didn’t know what her mom really mean.

“Thank you, honey.”

The machine beeped again.

“Penny, it is time to go home now. Uncle Marshall is waiting for you outside. Say goodbye to mom!” said Ted when the clock showed 10 pm.

Penny heavily sighed. She didn’t want to come home without Mom but she had to.

“Goodnight, Mom! See you tomorrow,” said Penny. She leaned to kiss her mom’s forehead and cheeks.

“Goodnight, honey. I’ll wait for you tomorrow.”

Penny climbed down the bed and walked to the door. She looked back to her Mom and waved her hand. Tracy blew a kiss to her and then Penny went outside the door. She raced to the parking lot where Uncle Marshall had been waiting for her to take her back home.

Ted stayed at the hospital. He was always accompanying Tracy however the condition was. They both watched Penny as she ran outside with her little legs.

“She’s so beautiful, isn’t she?” said Tracy, asking Ted’s agreement.

“She is. She is just like you,” Ted said.

Tracy gave him a weak smile and Ted kissed her hand.

“Go to sleep, honey. I’ll be here when you wake up tomorrow. I love you,” said Ted.

Tracy whispered, “I love you, the love of my life. I love our little angels too.”

She shut her eyelids. Her hands were clutched with Ted’s who slept in a plastic chair next to her.

“See you tomorrow,” said Ted.

“See you.”

Tracy fell into a deep sleep, a peaceful one. Right at 12 pm, the machine beeped so long so it woke Ted and a few nurses up.

The next morning, Penny went to the hospital with Uncle Marshall, Aunt Lily, and Luke to meet her mom.

“Why should I go to the hospital before school, Uncle Marshall? I supposed to meet Mom this afternoon. I could be late to school!” said Penny.

“You have to say goodbye to your Mom before you go to school, Penny,” said Uncle Marshall.

“Okay, Uncle Marshall.”

When she arrived at the hospital, she could only found her dad, sitting outside the room 203. His hands were covering his eyes, hiding the stream of tears from his eyes. Both Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily gave Ted a look that expressed their condolence from their deepest heart. All of the adults in that room tried to hide their tears to prevent Penny and Luke acknowledging their Mom’s passing.

“Dad, where’s Mom?” asked Penny.

Ted looked up to see his little daughter waiting for his answer. His face was still moist and traces of tears still exist. Penny’s face was so innocent and somehow it reminded Ted of Tracy. Penny hadn’t known what happened to her Mom and Ted hadn’t had the guts to tell her what did really happen.

Instead of saying the truth, Ted said, “She’s still sleeping, honey. It’s not the time to wake her up. I think you can wake her up tomorrow when she’s not tired anymore.”

Penny nodded in agreement. She still wore a smile on her face. Today is not the day I should wake Mom up, she thought. Tomorrow, the word his dad had said was still echoing on her head.

Penny had always had that vision of waking her mom up one day and she had waited that day to come. Ironically, it took a few years for Penny to notice and accept that her Mom’s eyelids would never open again and the tomorrow her dad had promised would never come.


A fan fiction of How I Met Your Mother.

Things I Should Have Done

If I had known what would happen,
And if God gave me a chance to go back to that day,
I’d like to rush to your room,
Talk to you for hours,
Share some laugh and jokes with you,
Spending our last day together.
After that,
When I’m about to leave,
I’d like to kiss your forehead,
And whisper in your ear how much I love you and how I’m so proud of you,
And say a proper ‘see you later’.

But there are no regrets in my mind,
Cause I know you can feel my love from the prayers I sent for you.
And there will be no regrets in my mind,
Cause I’m going to move on and continue my life as I know that’s what you’ll tell me to do if you’re still here.

***

Dedicated to my beautiful gorgeous friend, Luthfi ‘Ufairoh.
May you rest in peace, Sunshine. See you later ({})

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