Dear Childhood Dreams

22

Dear Teacher, Chef, Journalist, Vlogger, Scriptwriter, Director, Diplomat, and Writer.

I’m truly sorry for abandoning you these last eight years. These last eight years were kinda rough. I learned so many things till I was unable to make time for pampering you.

These past eight years, I learned things that had never crossed my mind before. I started realizing that paying bills cannot be done in a blink of an eye. I started acknowledging that food and rent are two essential things that don’t come cheap. I started counting my daily, monthly, and annual needs. Then I started thinking, how in Earth I could possibly afford it? And then, gradually, I started believing that I need a secure job to secure my future.

Ah, yes. I’m truly sorry for not believing you. I’m sorry for questioning you.
Yes, people spoiled me. They told me that you can’t give me a decent living. They told me that all of you are not reliable. They told me to start looking for another dream; a dream that have a respectable place in this world. A dream that is highly valued by society. “Ever consider being a doctor?” they said, as if being a doctor can be done as easy as lying.
Moreover, they pushed me to consider a still-fictional thing: family. “What about your child if you’re a movie director? You’re gonna leave them behind, aren’t you?” said their facial expression when I told them about one of you. “What about your husband if you’re assigned to stay in another country for five years? Don’t you think that the job ‘diplomat’ doesn’t suit you?” others said.

But, I’m not going to blame other people. It is me who is too naive to believe. It’s me who believe their shallow thoughts. I must have had believed that things like that doesn’t matter. A decent living can be pursued by any kind of livelihood as long as I enjoy what I do. I should realize sooner that my happiness is my priority and that my happiness can be seized by being what I want to be.

However, I guess it’s too late. I’m already poisoned by those thoughts. I’ve already seen them as some logical reasons. Maybe this is what people call as ‘growing up’. But if this is really is ‘growing up’, I guess growing up also means the death of childhood dreams.

So, if all of you are what used to be some precious seeds, I’m sorry for not giving any fertilizer to you. I’m sorry for not watering you these past eight years. I’m sorry to let you get crippled and forgotten over the years.

But, there’s one thing I want to say.
I really hope that I haven’t killed you all; I hope you’re just staying dormant. I wish that one day you can grow well and healthy. I wish that one day you can be a proof that people are wrong condescending you.

Sincerely,
The girl who pledged to encourage other children to look after their precious seeds.

Coffee Shop Talk

14. Cafe Sacher (32)

I was about to flee when the girl I had been waiting for hours appeared in front of the coffee shop. She saw me through the window and waved her right hand towards me.

Tanya is a sickly pale girl with curly blonde hair down to her waist. She’s short and was never been and will never be  in the list of ‘beautiful girls according to male’s stereotypical types’ . Men who don’t look at her heart avoids her. But the thing I like the most about her is that she’s always cheerful. No matter what happened to her, she smiles. I’m a man and basically I’m the master of ignoring and I should have feel ease to people who ignore things, but I’m still curious what makes a girl with more emotional endurance like Tanya can still smile anywhere anytime.

“Hey, Peter!” she innocently shouted to me from across the room.

“Damn it, Tanya! I’ve been waiting for you for hours and you innocently greeted me?!” I shouted back when she finally sat in front of me. “Your espresso is cold right now!”

“I’m so sorry, Peter, I’m so sorry! Tyler couldn’t decide which suit he’ll wear to his interview. So he asked me to help him,” she said with a grin on her face. “What’s the matter, anyway? You didn’t sound good when you call,”

“I didn’t,” I said.

She leaned forward and took a sip of her coffee. “Tell me then,”

“Look, as Aislinn’s best friend, what do you think about what she thinks about failure?” I asked, hoping she didn’t figure out the reason why I ask her that.

She frowned for a while. I might seem like a thief watching his target when I’m looking at Tanya, waiting her answer. When she finally opened her mouth, she said, and again, with a grin, “I don’t know,”

“Damn it, Tanya!”

“Well, why don’t you ask that to herself? I’m no mind-readers, for God’s sake!”

“I don’t want her to know that-”

“You failed on something? Yeah, I get that. She’s so sensitive when something’s happening,”

I nodded. At first, I only want to talk about that to Tanya, but then every words were bursting out of my mouth. “I failed on my job interview, okay? I don’t want Aislinn to know that because I don’t want to let her down,” I said. When Tanya didn’t say a word, I knew she wanted to know more. “You see, being a professional animation maker is my lifelong dream. I know that, right now, I’m working as an animation maker and I’m making a good money, but I want more. I want to make an animation so good that everyone in the world will notice my work. And to achieve that, I gotta keep moving. I can’t stay in a company who kills every employee’s dream by being not a serious company,”

I gave a pause and drank my coffee. Tanya still stay silent. I knew she was observing me and my problem. She’s the best at that, well, the second best. Aislinn is the best.

So I continued, “Aislinn has been supportive to me everyday. She even supports me when I’m about to quit my job even though she knows that she must rearrange our monthly needs to save our money. I love her, you know? I can’t stand the idea of letting her down because of my failure. And I failed at the interview.. I guess I overrated my self,”

Tanya finally spoke, “Ah, love. So, basically, you don’t want to let her down?”

I nodded.

“Just tell her. She’s a gorgeous woman with a big fat heart. She won’t be disappointed by her husband’s failure on reaching his dream,” she said. “Look, you know what, Pete? I know that this is not about you telling her that you failed. It’s about failure itself, isn’t it? You feel bad for failing on something and you brought Aislinn as an excuse for spilling your heart out to me. Am I right?”

“You caught me,” I said. “But I still feel bad about telling Aislinn that I failed,”

She smiled. “I know. You see, failure is not the end of everything. Back in college, I got a B once, while, you know, I had always been getting an A+. At that point, I felt like my whole universe is sinking. Sinking, you know! I wanted to be a perfect student and having a B in my paper broke my heart. I didn’t eat pizza -my favorite food- for weeks! I had no appetite and I felt like I had no reasons to live. Call me selfish and stupid, that’s what I was,”

Tanya grabbed a french fries and continued talking, “Then one day, after sick of seeing me being weird, my ultimate best friend and roommate Aislinn talked like this to me, ‘I got a C again. I hope that one day I’ll graduate with flying colors and impress Peter,’. And I was shocked for a while. Until now, I still don’t know whether she said that deliberately to knock me or not, but what she said did really knocked me. I thought, ‘Wow, I’m such a an asshole. I still got better grades than Aislinn but I felt like giving up. But there Aislinn is, having worse grades than me but still being an optimistic. I should be more grateful for what I have,’. And you should, too, Peter,”

I nodded for a while. There’s nothing I can say. I’m too stunned by what Tanya said. I’ve never heard that story before. Aislinn is the master of all optimist. If I was Aislinn and wanted to have good grades to impress someone I love and finally achieved a bad grade, I might be stressed. But there Aislinn is. She failed but she still being an optimist.

Tanya was an asshole. And maybe I was an asshole too. No. Not maybe. I was an asshole. I gotta ask God to forgive me for being such an asshole. I gotta be grateful for what I have and I had. I gotta have the guts to speak the reality.

“Wow! Thank you, Tanya,”

“Anytime, Peter,”

I grabbed my coat and a coffee I bought earlier for Aislinn. “I gotta go. So, see you someday?”

“Okay. Just remember that Aislinn is in love with you and she’s the kind of person who will accept you whatever happens to you. And tell Aislinn I miss her,” She waved her hand towards me.

“I will,”

I walked through the door. The sky was dark and yellowish light bulbs lighted my path. And I suddenly knew that there’s forgiveness for every sins if you ask it with heart. I lifted my chin and walked home.

Dear Juliet #1

Pen Writing

Dear Juliet,
Do you believe in fate, my dear Juliet?
As I am trapped in my not-so-beautiful exam room, I started to think of how fate controls us.

What do you think I should do, Juliet, if I feel that I don’t belong here, a place where I should go if I want to go to where I really want to?
What do you think I should do, Juliet, if a girl who loves poetry, arts, and chatter like me stays in a dull place which is lack of singing souls?

Dear Juliet,
Don’t you think that ‘forcing’ is a bad thing?
What can we girls do if we were forced to do things while our hearts don’t want to sing?
Don’t you think that every jingling bells is a blessing and so do our feelings?

And O Juliet,
Why does this happen to us?
To the flesh who have smooth red cheeks when we blush.
Why should we are the one who give a buzz and not those greedy men who never give a buzz?

And O dear Juliet,
May I ask whether do you agree with me?
Dear Juliet,
You’re far from your Romeo,
And I am far from my places-to-go.

I don’t know what to do, my dear Juliet.
Why us? Why girls? Why locked?
My dear Juliet,
Am I a sinner if I blame the sky?
Am I a sinner for not being a faithful follower?

Dear Juliet,
Please give me an answer,
As we both are far from being a winner.

Love,
Me, the one who’s  not ready to flee.