The Break

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In every long-lasting relationships, there must be a break between the people in it. Long time lover sometimes needs time to figure things he or she can’t figure when his or her lover is around. Insecurity are being built by the distance between them. Trust to each other is being tested by vicious prejudices our own mind creates. The break is an unavoidable phase which every relation must go through just to face two choices in the end of the journey: stop or continue.

I and Aislinn had one, and it was because of me.

See, I’m not really good at maintaining a relationship with anyone because simply I’m an introvert who had little experiences in dating. I tend to keep things in mind rather to boast it around. I’m quite shy too. Even though I had known Aislinn for 9 months, sometimes I was still running out of words to say to her. Not only because she’s too breathtaking, but also because I was more likely to enjoy the moment without saying anything.

What I thought as my regular habit went like a boomerang to me one day.

In the midst of June 2007, Aislinn asked me to be her company when attending Tanya and Tyler’s wedding. Indeed, it was a magnificent wedding held on a rooftop in one of New York City’s skyscraper. The food was delicious, the decoration was elegant; it was quite perfect. I thought that day was perfect too because my appearance at Tanya and Tyler’s wedding was a sign that Aislinn trusted me and I was accepted in Aislinn’s inner circle. For a moment, I felt relieved.

However, that peaceful feeling in my heart didn’t last long. Well, as an optimistic perky girl, Aislinn was surely standing among the crowd behind Tanya when she threw her bouquet. Luckily for her, she got it. I could see from afar her lips turned into a bright smile. Her eyes were fulfilled with hopes a myth had given. She’s expecting a serious relationship; a marriage.

I, as someone who had just lost my job six months ago, wasn’t sure to continue what I and Aislinn had. I’m not ready to start a serious relationship. I barely can afford living for my self, how was I supposed to afford a living for another human being? I mean, love is not enough to start a serious relationship! I won’t be a hypocrite, although money is not everything, money is important to keep us (and a relationship) alive.

Since that day, I started avoiding Aislinn. I let her calls fell into my voicemail, I told her I was busy pursuing a decent living (which was true). I focus on my career and let my love life crumbled. Aislinn was asking tons of questions, of course. She texted, called, and mailed me; she even sent Tanya to my apartment to set things straight. However, I remained silent. I love her, but I didn’t want to spoil her. Plus, I didn’t know what to say.

On one fine day on September 2007, I walked home from my second workplace (yes, I had to have two small jobs to keep my self alive) through Central Park. I’m not sure why, well, maybe because of the universe or simply because of a nostalgic feeling that I suddenly felt, I went through the place where I first met Aislinn.

The sun was on the verge of setting, but I could still see things. My eyesight was still normal, but I couldn’t believe what I was seeing: Aislinn, sitting alone on a bench where an old couple sat when we met. She was leaning backwards while staring into the void.

I was still avoiding her, but I couldn’t help saying, “Aislinn?”

In a second, Aislinn turned her sight to me. I’m not sure how should I describe Aislinn that moment, but all I could get from her was a surprised look. “Wow, the universe is really on my side,” she said.

“I’m sorry, did I interrupted you?” I asked, hoping she would say yes so I could leave immediately and regret this decision my whole life. “If yes, I’ll go.”

I thought she would be angry at me for abandoning her for almost three months. Well, she deserved to slap me in the face and yelled at me; I even expected that (that’s why I hoped she say yes to my question). Surprisingly, Aislinn stood and hugged me. “Are you okay? I’m so worried.”

And I was standing there like a stupid pole being hugged my the world’s warmest hug giver. Her red hair below me smelled like honey and cinnamon; the scent that had been too familiar to me.

“Wait, why aren’t you mad at me?” I asked.

Aislinn released her hug and said, “What for?”

“For abandoning you! For not picking up your calls and replying your messages!”

She shrugged, “I’m pretty sure you know what you were doing.”

What?! I didn’t even know what I was doing!

“Well, yes, I’m quite mad at you for not letting me know what happened,” she said. “However, since the beginning, I know that there must be something in your mind that you didn’t want to share. I thought that I could help, but your rejection of me was clearly a sign that you didn’t trust me. So, I get it.”

“But, why don’t you slap me or yelled at me? I made you mad.” Honestly, I was so surprised by her reaction. She never failed to surprise me.

Aislinn shook her head, “Peter, we are adults. Real adults don’t do that.”

She left me speechless. Neither I nor her talked. All I can hear was just the wind of Central Park in September and my own heartbeat.

“So, I understand if you still need time to be alone. I’ll wait for you.” she finally said.

The next thing she said gave me two opposite things: chills and reassurance. The next thing she said made me feel like a dumb trash who had just realized that communication is the key to every relation. The next thing she said made me realize that her patience was what made her worth everything.

The next thing she said was “However, next time you do this to me, if there’s even a next time, at least tell me what you’re up to. I don’t need details, I just need to know what you are doing so I can step out of your way. I need a reason to hold on. Because, Peter, having something to hold on is always better than guessing what’s in other people’s mind.”

She gave me a firm squeeze on my arm and then left.

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